


Random Scenes

by ikkiM



Series: Scenes in Search of a Fic [8]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Nonsense, unfinished fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:28:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5994883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a grouping of random scenes without any particular theme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Tyrion Sees Something He Can't Unsee

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta-ed, mostly terrible, I know I know. Criticize away. :)

Tyrion heard the commotion in the upstairs hall and came upon Brienne and Jaime.

Jaime was sitting on her chest facing away from her and trying to do something with her pants. Her arms were pinned by his legs.

“Get off of me!” she growled as she tried to buck him off.

“You have to prove it!” he argued.

“I do not!” She lifted a knee and hit his shoulder.

He dodged the brunt of the blow. “I think you secretly have an outie.”

She twisted her hips underneath him. “I do _not_. Get off of me.”

Jaime fumbled trying to hold his phone and hold her down.

“Excuse me?” Tyrion said softly.

They stopped their wrestling match. Brienne tilted her head back so she was looking at Tyrion upside down. Jaime recovered first.

“Tyrion,” he ordered, “Get over here and hold down her legs.”

Brienne began to fight again in earnest. “Don’t you dare.”

“Gods. Why would I do that?” Tyrion asked.

Jaime waved his phone over his head. “I want to get a picture of her belly button but she’s fighting me. I only have so many hands. If I hold down her legs, you can take the picture.”

Brienne growled. “If you help him, I will end you.” She lifted one leg and tried to twist so she could wrap it around Jaime’s neck. She ended up hitting his ear.

Tyrion watched them tussle a moment longer. “You know. I think I’m going back downstairs.”


	2. In Which Tywin Is Manipulative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This the lead into to Tywin deciding he needs to manipulate Brienne and then him pulling a full on Lannister-style move.
> 
> (By the way, Ilyn Payne is the family spokesperson because why not?)

Dr. Pycelle went over all his medical testing. “Mr. Lannister, you’ve made remarkable progress. I’m giving you a clean bill of health. You are fully recovered. Whatever changes you’ve made have been for the better. I understand you hired a nutritionist?”

Tywin stopped buttoning his shirt. “Where did you hear that?”

“Oh, I well,” Pycell sniveled before recovering, “Brienne Tarth studied at Winterfell. She wrote a nice article on carb-free versus low-carb diets and the effects on cardiovascular health. Catelyn Tully-Stark worked on it with her and it was recently published. I also understand Ms. Tarth has delayed her admission to Winterfell University for one year.”

“Ms. Tarth works for me, Dr. Pycelle. That’s all you need to know.”

“I’m on the scholarship approval board for Winterfell you see. I came across Ms. Tarth’s application. I wasn't quite sure if I should approve it.”

Tywin’s eyes narrowed. He had fully recovered his ability to silence with a look.

一

“Do you value me so little?” Tywin raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps my life is worth only the price of a few paltry garments and a trifling salary? Let me alert the local mercenaries and assassins that whatever sum they think they might collect from hastening my death is much smaller than they’d anticipated. Should I dictate a memo or have Ilyn issue a press release?”

Brienne spluttered. “Mr. Lannister. You know very well that was not what I meant.”

“I know very well what you meant, Ms. Tarth. What you meant was to turn down my gift to you on the basis of obstinacy and misguided pride. I’ve given you the opportunity to study at a first-rate program at Lannisport rather than the inferior university you would attend elsewhere.”

“It’s simply that I cannot accept such a generous gift. I’ve already been accepted to Winterfell, which has a fine program, and I’ve applied for loans for what scholarships won't cover.”

Tywin thinned his lips, leaned back and steepled his fingers. “Ms. Tarth. Do you honestly believe that you will be approved for _loans_?”

“I have excellent credit…” Her voice faded and her eyes grew wide. “You would block my loan applications.” She rallied. “I could ask for a personal loan from the Starks or Margaery Tyrell.”

He had anticipated that. “I have recently agreed to Ned Stark’s requests for access to the Lannister archives to assist him in the ponderous detailed history of the North he’s been attempting to write. He’s wanted access to those archives for years. Catelyn Tully-Stark’s hospital just received a grant to equip three outdated operating rooms. I can simply make a phone call to Mace Tyrell.”

“You don’t _own_ me, Mr. Lannister. I can work and save the money.”

“You will not. It has cost me three times the amount of your tuition to eliminate your other funding options and I had to acquiesce to the demands of _Ned Stark_. You will attend Lannisport College. You will continue to reside here at Casterly Rock rather than in some sordid dormitory. Once you finish your education, we will discuss your various roles at Lannister Corp.” He caught her movement and realized he’d gone too far. He willed his expression to soften. “Ms. Tarth, your actions saved my life. Your ongoing presence in this house has extended it.” He deliberately placed one hand near his heart. “I owe you a debt. A Lannister always pays his debts.” He paused and delivered the killing blow. “And I have become,” he placed a deliberate hitch in his voice, “accustomed to your presence.”

He saw her soften. He had her now. It was time to pull back. “Ms. Tarth, you are scheduled to be here eight more months. If after that you still insist upon attending Winterfell I will not stop you.”

“Thank you, Mr. Lannister.” She rose to leave.

“Whichever university you choose to attend, your tuition will be paid in full and you will, of course, come back to Casterly Rock for the holidays no matter how far away you go.” By a supreme act of will, he managed to look almost plaintive. His face was starting to ache. He spread his fingers directly over his heart. He saw the dampness in her eyes.

She bit her lip and nodded. “Thank you, Mr. Lannister.”

The girl was almost too easy to manipulate. Now if only Jaime would get on with it, marry her and begin having grandchildren. Perhaps three. Three was a nice number.


	3. In Which Brienne Goes Out Without Jaime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimers abound. There are only a couple of paragraphs here that I like, but you have to have the rest for it to make sense. 
> 
> You people are too kind.

“Why are you going to your ex-boyfriend’s nameday party?” Jaime asked again. He had taken to invading her room, ostensibly to help her pick out the proper outfit and shoes.

She replied, “We are friends. I have _told_ you this. Renly, Margaery, Loras and I are going out to celebrate.”.

“Are you going to try to get him back?” he asked.

“No. Renly and I are just friends. How many times do I have to tell you this? We are going out to dinner and then probably for drinks.” She and Margaery would chat while Renly and Loras flirted and played footsie under the table.

“You’re not actually going lower yourself to drink _alcoholic beverages_?” Jaime faked sounding shocked. “What about your dedication to health and wellness? The damage alcohol could do to your system? What if _Father_ knew you were drinking?”

She rolled her eyes. “I am going out with my friends, Jaime. Your father is most likely aware that I will occasionally, though rarely, drink some alcohol.”

Jaime leaned against her dresser. “I don’t think you should go.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll go out. You’ll get drunk. You’ll get all weepy over Renly and beg him to take you back. You’ll hate yourself in the morning. Stay here. Save yourself the humiliation.”

Brienne scoffed. She hadn’t been weepy over Renly in years. “I will not. I don’t want to date Renly.”

“Then you’ll get drunk and sloppy over Loras?”

“I won’t get drunk and sloppy.” She looked in the mirror, not hating the dress Jaime had chosen for her, but thoroughly hating the shoes. High heels were the worst. At least she didn’t look completely like a drag queen.

“You seemed very close to Loras at lunch.” He was fiddling with her phone.

She remembered Jaime flirting with Loras at lunch. She sighed wondering why all the men she was attracted to were gay and hot for Loras Tyrell. “There is nothing between me and Loras. Nothing.”

“Fine. But call if you need a ride home.” He took a selfie. He adjusted her settings and ringtones again. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

一

Being out without Jaime as odd. She’d been in his constant company almost since she’d moved into Casterly Rock. She should have been enjoying the break from him, but somehow it felt wrong that he wasn’t there. She fiddled with her wine glass, thinking she probably shouldn’t drink. She sighed and took a small sip.

Margaery leaned in. “Any more shirtless Jaime sightings?”

Brienne pinked.

“Oh, that is a yes. Can you get me a photo? I’ve had a crush on him for years, then again, who hasn’t? He’s so hot.”

“Jaime has a very nice body. He keeps himself in shape.” Brienne thought about him working out beside her, swimming in the pool, taking his shirt off after a tennis match. Nice body was damning with faint praise. Jaime was a half a god.

“So now tell me all about him.”

Brienne hedged. “There’s nothing to say. He’s Jaime.”

“Come on, Brienne. Every woman in Westeros wants to bed him and you’re living with him. Tell me just one thing. One thing no one else knows about him.”

She sighed, “He doesn’t like pickles on his sandwiches. He prefers them on the side. He says they make the bread too soggy.”

Margaery rolled her eyes.

一

Jaime caught Tyrion after dinner. “What are the plans for the evening, little brother?”

“Oh, are you deigning to spend time with me? Where’s Brienne for your nightly movie and bicker session?” Tyrion really wasn’t put out. He’d had plenty of time with Tysha lately, what with pushing Jaime to pursue Brienne and convincing Brienne to entertain Jaime. It was all working out quite well.

“She’s out with Renly.”

“Her ex?” Tyrion raised a brow.

Jaime glowered. “Margaery and Loras Tyrell will be there as well.”

Tyrion grinned. “Why don’t we grab young Podrick and have our own night on the town?”

In just a few moments they were in the back of the limo, the partition down. “Should we hunt them down and crash their party?” Tyrion asked.

“I have no idea where they are,” Jaime confessed.

Pod spoke up, “They are currently at a bar.” He held up his phone for the brothers to see. “Margaery has been instagramming their night.”

Tyrion grabbed the phone and scrolled through the photos while Jaime leaned over his shoulder. First, there were photos of Margaery, Renly and Loras grinning with Brienne in the background. Then a photo of Brienne and Loras, each kissing one of Renly’s cheeks, Brienne in full blush. More photos followed, Brienne looking more relaxed in each one. The final picture was of all four of them sitting at a round table. The photographer was near the floor and the shot had Brienne and Margaery on either side, both exposing a considerable amount of leg from the angle of the shot. Jaime grabbed the phone and enlarged the picture. “I should have never let her wear that dress. She should have worn pants. Wool ones. With boots.”

“She looks like she’s having a good time,” Tyrion observed.

“Who took this picture? Who is looking at her legs?” Jaime asked as he tried to enlarge the screen even more.

“Come on, brother, let’s go have a nice drink at the club. Podrick can come with us and we can follow their progress,” he suggested.

Jaime hadn’t relinquished Pod’s phone since they sat down. “What is she doing?” The latest photo showed part of Loras’s hair, Brienne’s blonde head and Renly’s beard, all mashed together. He turned the phone sideways. “Can you tell where they are?”

Tyrion snatched the phone from him. He looked at the photo. “She’s having fun. You should try it sometime.”

“She’s spending the evening with the ex boyfriend who cruelly dumped her. She’s not having fun.”

Pod piped up. “I thought _she_ dumped him.”

Jaime eyed him. “She talked to you about it? What did she say?”

Pod attempted to backtrack. “Oh, um. Nothing really. She just said that he’d asked her to come with him, move in with him after graduation, but that she took the job with your father Mr. Lannister instead.”

“He was unworthy of her anyway. He’s probably scheming to get her back.” Jaime reached for the phone from Tyrion, who held it away. “Is there a new photo? Where are they?” It had been seven minutes since the last update.

Tyrion checked the phone, nothing. “She’s fine. Margaery Tyrell is a lovely girl. She’ll make sure Brienne is fine. Didn’t Father try to get you to marry her once?”

Jaime scoffed. “Margaery Tyrell is a little schemer. Father tried, but even he found her a bit too ambitious. Updates?”

Tyrion refreshed again. “Nothing.”

“I’m going to call and check on her.” Jaime pulled out his own phone.

Tyrion snatched that phone from his hand as well. It was rare he got to torture his brother. He took the opportunity to review Jaime and Brienne’s text message history. There were an inordinate amount of requests from Jaime to Brienne asking that she make him a sandwich and demanding to know her exact location, even when they were both at Casterly Rock. There was also a lengthy argument on the use of plain yogurt in place of sour cream and a diatribe from Brienne on the benefits of whole wheat pasta.

“By the seven, how does she manage to get anything done?” Tyrion pulled out his own phone. “I’ll text her.”

一

Brienne was exhausted. Renly and Loras were discreetly playing handsie under the table and Margaery was fending off yet another man who wanted to buy her a drink. Dinner had been nice, and she’d had a glass of wine, but she'd had enough. Her vibrated with a text from Tyrion. She quickly reviewed the message.

“Dearest Brienne. Jaime is about to eat a full plate of fettuccine alfredo with an extra helping of the butteriest sauce available. I fear for his health. He’s going to follow it up with an entire loaf of bleached flour garlic bread and Volanti cream cake. You must come to the rescue.”

As she was reading, the phone buzzed again. “That was a total lie. He just can’t stand to know people are having fun without him. He’s driving me crazy. Take him off my hands?”

Brienne smiled. She liked Tysha and thought the relationship good for Tyrion. She was also grateful for an excuse to go. She texted her location to Tyrion.

He responded, “Be outside in 10 minutes.” She was surprised. It was at least a thirty minute drive from Casterly Rock.

She leaned over Margaery and told her she was leaving. After a hug to Renly and Loras, she was in front of the club when the car pulled up. Tyrion got out, bid her farewell and slipped off into the night with a wink and a salute. She climbed into the car and slipped off her shoes.

Jaime crossed his arms and glared at her accusingly.

She leaned her head back and promptly fell asleep.


	4. In Which Tywin Manipulates Brienne and Gives Dating Advice to Jaime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This bit covers several days and takes place much later in the fic. Jaime and Brienne have gotten fake engaged, and then Brienne found out in the most humiliating way (which I will post one day, maybe, it kind of sucks) that Jaime is not gay. She punched him in response.
> 
> We pick up the morning after.

Tyrion decided he owed Brienne until morning before he talked to Jaime. She was hurting. She needed space and who was her to deny her that? He sat at the breakfast table watching his father eat oatmeal with honey and a banana. Tywin hadn’t asked about Brienne. Tyrion suspected he knew something was wrong. The silence had reached an unbearable point when Jaime came in whistling despite the purple bruise on his left cheek. He stopped as he saw them.

“Where’s Brienne?” he asked.

Tywin lifted his eyes. He set down his spoon. He glanced at Tyrion and then locked his eyes on Jaime. “Brienne has seen fit to terminate her employment. She has also informed me that the two of you will not be marrying. She apologized profusely for any trouble she may have caused. She has left Casterly Rock and will not be returning.”

This was worse that Tyrion had suspected. He thought Brienne would spend the night away, clear her head and come back, forgiving Jaime for whatever idiotic thing he had done.

“She what?” Jaime asked. Whatever fight they had, whatever disagreement had caused Brienne to run away in the night, Jaime was completely unaware.

“She was not clear on which of you wished to terminate the betrothal but assured me that she had left behind every item that had been purchased on her behalf and would be returning her entire salary as well as rejecting my payment of her graduate school tuition and expenses,” Tywin informed them.

“When did she leave? I should be able to catch up with her.” Jaime ran his hands through his hair.

“I only spoke with her by telephone this morning,” Tywin stated.

“I saw her last night. In the garage. She took one of the bicycles. I’m assuming she went into Lannisport and stayed,” Tyrion said. He looked at his brother with sympathy. “I thought she’d come back.”

Tywin tore his eyes from Jaime and turned to look at him. He nodded. “She also informed me that Podrick could retrieve the bicycle at an apple stand in Lannisport.”

Jaime pulled out his phone and began texting. They watched him wait for a response. Nothing. Jaime texted again. “Where is she?” Jaime asked.

Tywin took charge again. “She has not seen fit to inform me of her whereabouts.”

“And you didn’t ask?” Jaime challenged. “You didn’t demand she provide you her exact location?” He turned on Tyrion. “And you, you let her go? Why didn’t you call me?”

Tyrion was not about to take the blame for this. He tapped his own jaw. “You were apparently well aware that Brienne was angry with you. Why didn’t you stop her?”

“Because I didn’t think she’d run. Call her. Text her. Tell her to come home.”

Tywin picked up his spoon and looked at his oatmeal before looking back at Jaime. “As she reminded me so forcefully this morning, she is not mine to command.”

一

Jaime sat in the study calling and texting. He tried Margaery with no success. Sansa. Renly. Robb. Even Catelyn. Every call went to voicemail, even text went unanswered. He even tried calling from Tyrion’s phone. He tried blocking his own number. No one answered. He was becoming frantic.

He wasn’t even really sure what they were fighting about, why she was so angry. He quizzed Podrick who claimed he had no idea where Brienne had gone, but that Sansa had taken down the wedding planning page. Bronn informed him that Brienne had disabled GPS locate services on her phone and tablet.

She could be anywhere right now. He scrolled through his contacts, there above Margaery was Loras Tyrell. Loras answered on the third ring.

“Look Jaime, I’m not supposed to talk to you.”

“Where is she, Loras? Don’t fuck with me about this. Where is she?”

“I don’t know. We all got a mass text from her this morning saying that she was fine, that the engagement was off, but that she needed some time and space and asked that we please respect her privacy. Blah blah blah. Poor little Brienne got dumped and she needs space. Margaery says we are supposed to freeze you out as punishment. Whatever.”

“I did not dump her,” Jaime ground out.

“Right. Because Brienne the Beauty could do so much better.”

Jaime closed his eyes and vowed to knock out every one of Loras’ teeth, string them together and present them to Brienne as a bracelet. “Where is she?”

“I. Do. Not. Know,” Loras replied. “And if I did and told you, Margaery would kill me. I have go. Nice escape, Jaime.” He hung up before Jaime could reply.

“I am going to kill him. Kill him. Do you hear me, Tyrion? Add that to the list of things I need to do. Kill Loras Tyrell.”

Tyrion sat with him, trying to be supportive. “Did you try all of the Starks?”

Jaime flipped through his contacts again. He tried Arya Stark. She answered, “She’s not here. I don’t know where she is. You’re a dick and I hope your face gets eaten off by maggots,” and hung up.

He looked up at Tyrion, “Where is Father’s phone? Catelyn Stark won’t ignore a call from Father.”

Tyrion walked over to him and placed a hand on his arm, “What happened last night to upset her?”

Jaime sat back in his chair. He woke this morning happy. He was going to marry Brienne; she was his best friend. So what she’d thought he was gay. It didn’t matter. He rubbed his eyes. He texted her for the fiftieth time that day. Come home.

一

It was three a.m. and Brienne couldn’t sleep. It had been seven days since she left Casterly Rock. She spent the first night at Tysha’s in Lannisport. Then, after a call to Oberyn, she had made her way to Sunspear. She texted her friends but hadn’t spoken to anyone. She just wasn’t ready. She asked them for space. Oberyn said she could stay as long as she needed.

Her phone vibrated. She was sure it was Jaime again. He left voice messages almost hourly. She deleted them without listening, but she couldn’t help reading his texts. The ranged from pleas that she come home, aimless apologies, demands that she call him, and twice he asked her to make him a sandwich, but she suspected he was drunk. The phone vibrated again. She looked at the screen. It was Tywin. She answered.

“Tywin?”

“No, Ms. Tarth. This is Dr. Pycelle. Mr. Lannister asked that I contact you. He has been admitted to Lannisport General Hospital and he has asked for you to come.”

Brienne sat up in bed. “Is he alright?”

“He is, for now,” Pycelle responded.

“Tell him I’m on my way.”

Hours later, she arrived at the hospital and asked for Dr. Pycelle. She knew Tywin would not have checked in under his own name if he could help it. They handed her an envelope with a key card and a room number. She used the key to enter the private wing of the hospital and made her way to his room. She’d not seen Jaime, Tyrion or even Cersei in the hallway. Tywin was alone and asleep. She looked for his chart, but found none. He had an IV in and was connected to oxygen. She checked over the monitors. He seemed to be in no danger. She sat down by the bed and reached out to take his hand. He opened his eyes and his lips curled into what might have been a smile. He squeezed her fingers and went back to sleep.

一

Brienne was stiff from sleeping in the hospital chair, but she didn’t want to leave Tywin’s side. In the night he woke and they talked. He asked her to return to Casterly Rock with him, stay a few months, just until he recovered. She didn’t know exactly how it had happened, but she agreed. Tywin was asleep. She was stretching when Dr. Pycelle entered the room.

“Ms. Tarth, I presume?” he reached out to shake her hand.

“Dr. Pycelle,” she nodded. “What is his prognosis?”

“He is well. We’ll be releasing him this morning.”

Brienne furrowed her brow, “So soon? I mean, is that wise?”

Dr. Pycelle smiled at her, “Ms. Tarth, although Mr Lannister asked me to contact you, he has not authorized me to discuss the specifics of his condition with you. I’m sure you understand patient confidentiality.”

She blushed. “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep.”

Pycelle nodded. “As soon as he is awake, we will begin processing him for release.”

“Being the process, Pycelle, I’m awake now,” Tywin announced from the bed.

Pycelle nodded. “Of course, Mr. Lannister.

一

Brienne waited in the hallway while Tywin dressed and readied to go.

She had been so wrong. She thought Tywin was doing so well. Another heart attack could kill him.

On the drive back to Casterly Rock, he reached over and patted her hand.

“Brienne, I am an old man and my time in this world is limited,” he coughed. “Jaime is a brilliant businessman. He puts almost no effort into his duties at Lannister Corp and yet I am confident he will grow the business after I’m gone.”

She nodded.

“However,” Tywin continued, “when it comes to matters of the heart, he is an imbecile. If you care for him, don’t let his stupidity come between you.”

She took a deep breath. She didn’t want to give him false hope, but she couldn't lie. “Tywin, I do care for Jaime.” She felt the heat rising from her neck. She looked down at her hands. “Very much.” She took a deep breath.

“And he cares for you,” Tywin responded.

Brienne bit her lip to stop from shaking her head.

“I ask that you just try,” he asked, his voice feeble.

She couldn't refuse.

一

Tywin tried to hide his irritation as he walked with Brienne through the gardens. She was home, but she and Jaime were barely speaking. He was sure it was Jaime’s fault. Why were his children such idiots?

He purposefully stumbled and clutched at her arm. Pretending to have relapsed was annoying, but he needed to make sure she stayed long enough for Jaime to earn her forgiveness. She turned to him with a look of concern on her face.

“Tywin…”

He inhaled deeply but exhaled shakily. He hoped he wasn’t overplaying it. “I’m fine, Brienne. Just a little tired tonight.” They continued on their walk, but she slowed the pace. “And how are you and Jaime?”

She looked down at the cobblestones. “I really don’t know.”

“The wedding is in just a few weeks,” he prodded.

She shrugged. “Would it be so terrible if we didn’t get married?”

He wanted to grind his teeth and shout. Instead, he tried to look feeble as he again clutched her arm. “What idiotic thing has he done this time?”

“He hasn’t done anything. I just have absolutely no idea why he wants to marry me.” She stared into the distance.

“I thought he’d made his affections clear? I know that you had a dreadful fight, but prior to that all seemed well.”

She snorted. “Nothing is clear with Jaime.” She almost smiled. “At least not clear to me.”

He inwardly cursed his spoiled, selfish son. He’d have to take action to fix this problem. He resisted increasing the pace of their walk. “Is there something he could do to prove his affections? Would you prefer he shave the beard?”

一

Tywin had called Jaime to his rooms.

“Father?”

Tywin was sitting at his writing desk.

“Jaime一it has come to my attention that Brienne is still somewhat reluctant to proceed with the wedding. She believes you have little regard for her.’’

“You’ve spoken to her? She discussed that with you?” Jaime paced the room. She talked to Tyrion; she talked to Father. When was she going to talk to him?

Tywin inhaled. He steepled his fingers. “I am not wholly ignorant regarding romantic entanglements. There are certain things a gentleman should do to express his affections and intentions to a lady.”

“I am not having this conversation.”

Tywin wrinkled his brow. “To correct your artless attempts at courting her, I prepared some suggestions.”

“Oh gods.”

一

Tyrion sat in his study thinking. It wasn’t long before Jaime joined him, filled a tumbler full of bourbon, and downed it. Tyrion raised a brow. Jaime poured a second drink and flopped down in a chair.

“When did you take up day drinking, brother?”

“When Father decided to give me dating advice.”

Tyrion dropped back into his seat. “Dating advice?”

“How I should properly woo Brienne.”

“Our father. Gave you dating advice. ”

Jaime nodded. “He had a list.”

“Oh, you must share.” Tyrion rubbed his hands together.

“Gifts and personal tokens of affection.”

“Didn’t Father buy us stock options for our name days when we were children?”

“Candlelit dinners.”

“The only candles Father likes are those rendered from the fat of his enemies.”

“Using the language of flowers in a bouquet to express my ardent admiration.”

“Did he really use the phrase ‘ardent admiration’?”

“He even suggested that I compose a poem for her. Or hire a poet to do it for me. We are discussing Father.” Jaime finished his second drink. “Remember when he caught me jumping off the cliffs into the Bay? And he yelled at me for approximately seventeen hours?”

Tyrion remembered.

“This was much, much worse.” Jaime poured a third drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you remember back in The Importance of Sandwiches, Tywin mentions suffering the indignity of a hospital gown; this is the explanation for that.
> 
> The only part I really liked about this was the dating advice by Tywin, but I felt I had to include at least some of the earlier parts for it to make any sense.
> 
> I have one more part which is the erm...realization of mutual attraction and is a little smutty to post.


	5. In Which Things Get Smutty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read The Importance of Sandwiches, this is the scene that occurs right before Brienne catches Tywin in the kitchen.
> 
> To sum up though, Brienne is back at Casterly Rock. Jaime is trying to do something hot and sexy to convince Brienne he really wants to be with her.

“Trust me, Brienne,” Jaime said into her shoulder. He kissed her neck. He set this up to show her how much he wanted her. He had no idea how she could be so completely oblivious, but she still didn’t seem to believe him. “Trust me.”

“I trust you.”

Hiis cock felt like it was going to explode. _Slow, must go slow_. He laid her down on the bed. He could drown in her eyes. If she kept looking at him like that, he wouldn’t be able to hold back. “Close your eyes.”

She did. “I trust you.”

He shuddered. He sat on the bed beside her and unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse. He traced his finger down her neck and over her collarbone. She bit her lip. He was going to show her how much he wanted her, convince her she was desirable. How could she have thought him gay? He wanted to put his mouth on her. _Slow, must go slow._ He picked up a strawberry from the bowl by the bed. He dipped it into a glass of champagne. This was sexy. He’d seen it in a movie. He ran the strawberry along her jaw and down her neck. He was going to lick that off of her. He used his other hand to release another button on her blouse. He ran the strawberry along the swell of her breast. He saw her nipple harden. She arched up. _Must go slow_.

He bit down on the fresh berry. It tasted of champagne and sweetness and Brienne. She put her hand up to her jaw. He pulled it away as he leaned down to kiss her. _Must go slow_.

She jerked away from him and sat up. Her eyes were wild. “Have you been eating strawberries?”

He held up the half eaten fruit to show her and wrapped one arm around her back. She jerked away from him.

“Oh no, no, no, no, no.”

What in the seven hells? He had her on his bed, warm willing, the mood set and now she’s telling him no. She shot up off the bed and ran into the bathroom. He ran his hand through his hair.

“Jaime?” she called out to him.

“Brienne?” he answered back.

“Did you touch me with a strawberry?”

Jaime had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He rose and went into the bathroom. Brienne was standing at the mirror. In the bright light he could see an angry rash forming along her jaw and down her neck. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’re allergic to strawberries?”

She nodded. “I need to see a doctor.”

Six hours and an ER visit later, the rash had calmed down some from the steroid injection and she was on medication. She had a white cream along her jaw, down her neck and across the top of one breast. He made her lie down on the couch in the drawing room and drape her legs across his lap.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized.

“I’m the one who gave you hives, Brienne. I’m the one who should be sorry.” He was a complete failure, in fact.

“But you had things set up and the candles and everything. I ruined it.”

He wanted to laugh at her but she looked like she may cry. “You didn’t ruin anything. Just so I know though, are you allergic to anything else?”

Her eyes did fill with tears then. She shook her head. “Jaime?”

He rubbed her calves. “Yes?”

“This is never going to work, is it?” She made to get up and he held on to her legs.

“What isn’t going to work?”

“You, me, this.” She pushed him away. “I’m ugly and awful and you don’t want to see me and we are supposed to have this big fancy wedding and I want my mother to be with me and help plan it and stop your Aunt Genna from steamrollering me into having two dozen white doves released at the end of the ceremony and I don’t have a mother and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“White doves?” That was a new one. He was too tired to consider the rest of it.

“Yes. Doves. But you know they are just going to poop on the guests, Jaime. That’s what birds _do_. They might do it on you. Well, probably not, they’d probably just drop all over me because I’ll be a in a dress that makes me look like a giant lemon meringue pie. The birds will all avoid you.” She banged her head against the arm of the couch.

He linked his fingers through hers. “You’re not going to look like a pie.”

She snorted. “A giant lemon meringue pie. Who’s going to give me away? I know it’s stupid and I’m an adult and I don’t need to be given away like a prize cow, but I want my father to walk me down the aisle. Because what if I trip, Jaime? And we both know I will. Who is going to catch me? You usually catch me when I fall. I would ask your father but that would be weird for you.” She relaxed back against the couch.

Jaime choked. “You want my father to walk you down the aisle? Tywin Lannister? Substitute father? He’s not even good at being a regular father.”

She made to kick him but he caught her leg. “You are so mean to him. You and Tyrion both. Yes, he’s bossy but he just wants the best for you. Is that so wrong?”

“Brienne. You can have the Stranger, my father or even Ned Stark walk you down the aisle. I don’t care.” He didn’t really. It would serve his father right if she choose Ned Stark.

“Can I have Renly?”

He didn’t even want that man invited to the wedding. They’d argued about it. She’d won. “Why would you want Renly?”

“Because this all started because of Renly. If you hadn’t come out that night, you never would have gotten drunk and kissed me and decided you could like me like that.” She shook her head at him. “Renly should give me away,” she said decisively.

He decided to ignore the Renly issue. He pulled her fingers to his lips. “You are an idiot.” She moved to get up but he clamped his arm over her legs. “I wanted you a long time ago.”

She snorted again. “You don’t really want me. You’re just saying that because you feel guilty. I know I’m not beautiful, Jaime. I’m ugly and undesirable and you don’t even want me. I’m not like Cersei.” She tried to get up but he held fast.

“Brienne?” She stopped fighting and turned her head into the back of the couch. He called her name sharply the second time. “Brienne?”

“What?” she asked, her mouth against the leather of the couch.

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“Don’t hide from me, wench. Look at me.”

She turned to face him.

“I do not want Cersei. That has been over for a very long time. I was young and stupid and she’s my sister and a part of me will always care for her, but I do not want her.”

She squeezed her eyes shut.

“Look at me,” he commanded.

She opened her eyes. He locked their gazes.

“You have a horrible rash on your jaw and neck, your eyes are red, you have white cream smeared on your face, you look like a blotchy mole rat and it is taking every ounce of willpower I have not to rip your clothes off and fuck you into next week because you are the most desirable woman I have ever seen.”

She hiccuped, her eyes wild now. “Don’t lie to me, Jaime.”

He pushed down on her knee so that her calf was pressed into his throbbing cock. “Is that lying to you?”

Her eyes widened.

He ran his hand over her leg and up to the back of her knee. He used his other hand to point to items around the room. “I want to fuck you on this couch. I want to fuck you on the floor. I want to bend you over that desk and fuck you there. I want you to ride me while I sit in that chair. I have a list of places and ways I want to fuck you.”

“A list?” She swallowed a laugh. “You have a list? Do you carry it around?”

“It’s on my tablet.” He grinned at her.

“When did you start a list?”

“In my head? The first time I saw you in a dress. On my tablet? When I realized I’d never be able to remember them all and I didn’t want to forget.”

“That was more than a year ago, Jaime.”

“I know. It’s now a very long list.” He traced circles over her kneecap.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

He leaned his head back. “You are perhaps, the stupidest woman I have ever known.” She made to kick him and he caught her foot. He kissed her ankle. “I said it constantly. Tyrion saw it. Bronn saw it. Genna saw it. Ned Stark saw it. Why didn’t you?”

She shifted on the couch. “You told me you were gay. Then you told me Cersei was the only woman you’ve ever wanted.”

He pushed her leg down into his aching cock again. “I am most certainly not gay. And Cersei was the only woman I wanted until I met you.”

“Are you sure, Jaime?”

He lifted her leg and kissed the back of her calf. “Sure I’m not gay? Yes, I am sure I am not gay.”

“Sure you want me?”

He inhaled. “Brienne, for the past year I have walked around with pretty much a constant erection. I’m a Lannister so women are there for the taking. The only woman my cock wants is you.”

“We can, I mean, now” she whispered, “if you want to.”

He never wanted anything more. He stood up and grabbed her hands, pulling her off the couch to stand with him. He wrapped his arms around her waist. “I have waited a year for you. I can wait a while longer. The first time I fuck you, Brienne, is not going to be after a trip to the hospital.” He pressed his hips into hers. “The first of the many, many, many times I fuck you, you’re going to look into my eyes as I slide my cock inside you and you are going to enjoy it. That means no quick fucks on uncomfortable couches. We have a life time for that.” He ran his fingers up her sides to tickle her and break the tension. She squirmed against him. It was torture. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. Alone.”

“Do you really have a list?”

He grinned. “Would I lie to you?”

“Yes, yes you would. Can I see the list?”

“No, you cannot see the list. The list is for me and me alone. You’d just want to argue about it and tell me no, ruin my fantasies. I’m going to walk you to your door. I am going to kiss you good night. Then I am going back into exile in the gatehouse and I am going to edit the list to replace strawberries with blueberries.” He began walking her to her room.

“You have food on the list?”

“You are not prying the details of the list out of me. Not going to happen, wench. But I will tell you that cake frosting is on the list.”

“All that sugar is bad for you.”

They made it to the top of the stairs. “I’m pretty sure we’ll work off the calories.” With that, he kissed her and was gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of this installment. I've been convinced to post the discovery of NOT GAY and I will also post the Fake Engagement. Since the fake engagement is funnier, I'll post it last :)
> 
> Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. I really enjoyed writing this, even though it ended up have more holes than Swiss cheese. I'm happy to share the funny bits.


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